Artist Timeline

'26.5'

What I had written here before is now 3 years old. I would like to update it.

I have been reflecting a lot on myself, since I've changed so much the past few years. I see old writings and random hobbies I picked up and I can't believe it was me. One of my biggest internal struggles at this point, is time. I fear it massively. Since my mental space has changed/improved I have realised how much of my life I've had 'wasted', how little I feel I have left to achieve the things I want to do, and how some things, are too late. Many concepts in life that are easier to not ever think about are constantly on my mind. (Which I suppose as a silver lining, I hope can come out through my future art eventually.)

I appreciate the people I have met in my life, befriended, or who am still connected with to whatever extent that is, as what I share reaches them almost exclusively as the years pass. People who engage with me kindly however small, about my life events or my art post's. It keep me going and picks me up when I'm slipping behind the scenes. They/you might not realise it's effects but, thank you so much for that kindness.

I am doing better than I was 3 years ago. A full time job is still unavailable to me, and it is hard to figure out what's right for the long term. There's a lot of shame attached to not working, especially when what disables me isn't visible to others. I'm unbothered by the obvious financial limitations of being on the disability system long term and I'm forever grateful I'm even in a country that has this kind of support. I've been receiving more specialised help for about half a year now which I'm nearing the end of and using new medications which have been working very well, surprisingly. I'll be continuing to be trying different treatments since this is not something that will just "go away".

I'm optimistic, however slightly set back at the moment from recent life events. I'm hoping time will calm the world down and that I will be back to making art soon enough. Thank you for reading, have a lovely day~

Monologue written 23/03/2026

⬇ OLD Monologue updated on 21/12/2023 ⬇

'24 Year Art Block'

I have struggled with art all my life, hating it and myself for the majority of the time. I spent the most of my years slowly progressing towards the games industry. I had so much invested in the career path; my dreams of working in an office environment with equally passionate people who all want to be proud to make stuff other people enjoy. Once I left university I spent 2 and a half agonizing years amongst worldwide issues searching for my start, applying for so many roles I was qualified and capable for only to receive countless rejection and a worsening mental state. I had been pushed down so much that I lost a lot of the happiness tied to the career and stopped looking for work all together. In January 2022 I applied to one last job randomly that seemed a perfect shot. I did brilliantly on their art test and interview, landing me the job. Finally I had my chance I felt I deserved and wanted for so long.

I declined it.

I had accumulated so many issues and my mental health by this point has become so vulnerable that full time work is no longer something I am capable of; a realization that truly came at the last possible moment. I noticed a steep return during the art test in issues that lessened while taking my break, serious issues that made me relieved when I unfortunately said no to them. This was truly the perfect job opportunity for me but I had to accept that I wasn't in good enough health to waste their time trying to perform the job, taking that away from someone else.

I'm coming back to hobbies I had long since dropped and creating things where I can. I've been 'healing' as much as I can from the damage done over these past 24 years but its a incredibly slow process, I've been involved with the health system half my life and only now seeing stronger improvements. Thoughts on a career that will suit me have been more and more prevalent as I realize I will need to adjust my goals and dreams. Teaching has come up frequently, alongside completely at-home jobs, I've even considered environmentalism, music and philosophical/theoretical physics.

But this is all daydreaming, I still, sadly have a long road ahead first.

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