I have struggled with art all my life, hating it and myself for the majority of the time. I spent the most of my years slowly progressing towards the games industry. I had so much invested in the career path; my dreams of working in an office environment with equally passionate people who all want to be proud to make stuff other people enjoy. Once I left university I spent 2 and a half agonizing years amongst worldwide issues searching for my start, applying for so many roles I was qualified and capable for only to receive countless rejection and a worsening mental state. I had been pushed down so much that I lost a lot of the happiness tied to the career and stopped looking for work all together. In January 2022 I applied to one last job randomly that seemed a perfect shot. I did brilliantly on their art test and interview, landing me the job. Finally I had my chance I felt I deserved and wanted for so long. 

I declined it.

I had accumulated so many issues and my mental health by this point has become so vulnerable that full time work is no longer something I am capable of; a realization that truly came at the last possible moment. I noticed a steep return during the art test in issues that lessened while taking my break, serious issues that made me relieved when I unfortunately said no to them. This was truly the perfect job opportunity for me but I had to accept that I wasn't in good enough health to waste their time trying to perform the job, taking that away from someone else.

I'm coming back to hobbies I had long since dropped and creating things where I can. I've been 'healing' as much as I can from the damage done over these past 24 years but its a incredibly slow process, I've been involved with the health system half my life and only now seeing stronger improvements. Thoughts on a career that will suit me have been more and more prevalent as I realize I will need to adjust my goals and dreams. Teaching has come up frequently, alongside completely at-home jobs,  I've even considered environmentalism, music and philosophical/theoretical physics. 

But this is all daydreaming, I still, sadly have a long road ahead first.